My Monster and Me

I brushed my teeth on Thursday morning 2:30AM. My dad sitting at his computer and me sitting at mine, he reminds me that my curfew is 2AM, knowing full well that I won’t be in bed until 3. And I close my bedroom door at 3AM, knowing full well that he won’t be in bed until 4. It’s a happy arrangement.

This day’s toothbrushing came free with the usual breath of mint, and a bonus! A revelation. I wove the Monster back and forth between pearly whites and coral gums, and listened to her roar.  She lashed fury at the grub remains of my midnight scavenging, screaming to the sleeping world. Her voice was monotonous but as loud to me as a drill. She buzzed away at my mouth-y innards… bzz zz zzzz.

My late night-early morning toothbrushing involves a trip to the other side of the house, to the small bathroom behind the living room.  My onflight luggage is as follows: the Monster, a cup, my traffic-director-yellow retainer box plus retainers, an old fashioned toothbrush for retainer cleaning and a tube of colgate. The trip is made on tiptoes and once I’m behind that bathroom door, I unleash the monster without fear of waking people who sleep at normal hours.

It occurred to me that the Dr. Frankenstein who invented the Monster electric toothbrush could easily have made her quieter, more docile and neighbourhood-friendly. Why, when these days everything is shipped in smaller, faster, stronger, better,  did my Monster have to be so freaking loud?

The revelation came when I realised that she sounds like the dentist’s office in kids movies. In my red-eyed epiphany hungry state, I latch onto this idea. What child will be afraid of the ‘bzzz’ in the dentist’s chair when they have their own ‘BZZZZing’ monster at home every night? Instead of running to hide behind their mother’s business suits, children will hear “See Sammy, this is just like when you brush your teeth at home!”.

My conclusion is that the oral hygiene industry seeks to remove the childish fear of dentists. I can’t say for sure whether they are able to reduce sound on electric toothbrushes. My knowledge of physics reminds me that the electrical energy, transforms into kinetic energy and provides a force that moves the brush, but much energy is lost to heat and … sound. Maybe Monsters are loud simply because they are what they are, monsters.

Either way, I should start brushing my teeth earlier.
(It is now 4AM and my dad is not yet in bed. The arrangement is not working. Then again, it is 4AM and I’m also not in bed. He knows.  !)